I am having trouble. I feel at the end of my rope. I feel hopeless, but embarrassed to feel that way since my life isn't full of personal tragedy. I am feeling monotony of life. It is making me blase to all the wonderful things I used to notice/enjoy and it is officially scaring me. There are two saying that I keep hearing in my mind. Two ideas that replay so often I have actually lost the meaning of them, but that doesn't stop them from continuing to replay.
1. Be the best possible version of yourself.
2. Today is gone, not to be repeated tomorrow.
What is the best possible version of myself? I certainly know that who I am right now isn't that girl. I feel lost inside myself. The things that I was SO sure of, now don't seem to matter or drive me. The only clarity I actually have is, looking at my current self and not recognizing a darn thing.
For my document purposes only (read: who the heck will read this) these are the things that are different. I used to be confident, hilarious, + outgoing despite my obvious weight issue. I used to love art, scrapbooking, sketching, drawing, and journaling, but I haven't been in my craft room for months. I used spend so much time laughing that I would get headaches, now my friends that made me laugh so hard are so far away and making news ones here is impossible. I knew without waiver that I wanted to be a graphic artist, but now I can't find the desire or energy to complete simple personal tasks. I am worried that my lack of passion means I made another wrong decision. I am worried that I can't find passion for anything. I am passionless.
Today is gone, not to be repeated tomorrow. This makes me so sad since I am NOT participating in this life and all these days are slipping by me. The question I keep asking myself is, "What can I actually control?" I have to work to pay a mortgage, insurance, car, gas, etc. I am living in a house that isn't what I wanted and working to support the mortgage of the house. I am living in my dream area, but my location is uninspiring and frustrating. I am working in a job (read: lucky to work I know) that has set me back at least 7 years in my career and set women in general back by 30+ years. Working to support the things that aren't making me very happy. Seems like an easy thing to control, but it's not.
I want to make changes. I want to sell my things and move to another country. I want to explore. I want the desire to create back. I want to feel passion for design. I want to put the sparkle back in my dull eyes. I want to live in a smaller footprint that doesn't feel like a rope around my neck. I want to be able to look back at my life and say that was one hell of an experience. I am tired of living the "American Dream." Does owning a house, a yard, two cars, kate spade bags, a DSLR really get me happiness? I would answer that with a resounding no. I want more out of life and less out of the real estate/possessions that are strangling me. I want to work at a job because I love it (read: I do LOVE working) and not because it supports my lifestyle. I am trapped by a lifestyle that doesn't actually have style at all. It's a boring life filled with work-home-sleep-work-home-sleep...etc (read: see disclaimer below.)
So right now I am sad, lost, quite uncertain of my future and awaiting a sign from somewhere. My days turn to weeks, weeks to months and months to years. I feel that if I have chance at change it is going to start by looking for my own sign. Right now that's a daunting task that I just don't have the physical/emotional energy to do.
I am looking for a
saving grace.
Disclaimer: I know I have a great husband, an adorable dog, and family. I know I am lucky to live in a house, have a job and health insurance. I also work tremendously hard to maintain those things. I spend weekends cleaning, doing yard work, grocery shopping, maintaining my own car and doing laundry because my work schedule doesn't allow for lots of time during the week. When I get home I am tired, but I still have to walk to dog, get dinner together, pack my lunch, do homework and try to have some type of relationship with my husband. I know lots of people do the same thing...everyday. For me, this isn't my American Dream, it's prison.
