|::Found Here | Artist Darren Booth::|
1. Be the best possible version of yourself.
2. Today is gone, not to be repeated tomorrow.
What is the best possible version of myself? I certainly know that who I am right now isn't that girl. I feel lost inside myself. The things that I was SO sure of, now don't seem to matter or drive me. The only clarity I actually have is, looking at my current self and not recognizing a darn thing. For my document purposes only (read: who the heck will read this) these are the things that are different. I used to be confident, hilarious, + outgoing despite my obvious weight issue. I used to love art, scrapbooking, sketching, drawing, and journaling, but I haven't been in my craft room for months. I used spend so much time laughing that I would get headaches, now my friends that made me laugh so hard are so far away and making news ones here is impossible. I knew without waiver that I wanted to be a graphic artist, but now I can't find the desire or energy to complete simple personal tasks. I am worried that my lack of passion means I made another wrong decision. I am worried that I can't find passion for anything. I am passionless.
Today is gone, not to be repeated tomorrow. This makes me so sad since I am NOT participating in this life and all these days are slipping by me. The question I keep asking myself is, "What can I actually control?" I have to work to pay a mortgage, insurance, car, gas, etc. I am living in a house that isn't what I wanted and working to support the mortgage of the house. I am living in my dream area, but my location is uninspiring and frustrating. I am working in a job (read: lucky to work I know) that has set me back at least 7 years in my career and set women in general back by 30+ years. Working to support the things that aren't making me very happy. Seems like an easy thing to control, but it's not.
I want to make changes. I want to sell my things and move to another country. I want to explore. I want the desire to create back. I want to feel passion for design. I want to put the sparkle back in my dull eyes. I want to live in a smaller footprint that doesn't feel like a rope around my neck. I want to be able to look back at my life and say that was one hell of an experience. I am tired of living the "American Dream." Does owning a house, a yard, two cars, kate spade bags, a DSLR really get me happiness? I would answer that with a resounding no. I want more out of life and less out of the real estate/possessions that are strangling me. I want to work at a job because I love it (read: I do LOVE working) and not because it supports my lifestyle. I am trapped by a lifestyle that doesn't actually have style at all. It's a boring life filled with work-home-sleep-work-home-sleep...etc (read: see disclaimer below.)
So right now I am sad, lost, quite uncertain of my future and awaiting a sign from somewhere. My days turn to weeks, weeks to months and months to years. I feel that if I have chance at change it is going to start by looking for my own sign. Right now that's a daunting task that I just don't have the physical/emotional energy to do.
I am looking for a saving grace.
Disclaimer: I know I have a great husband, an adorable dog, and family. I know I am lucky to live in a house, have a job and health insurance. I also work tremendously hard to maintain those things. I spend weekends cleaning, doing yard work, grocery shopping, maintaining my own car and doing laundry because my work schedule doesn't allow for lots of time during the week. When I get home I am tired, but I still have to walk to dog, get dinner together, pack my lunch, do homework and try to have some type of relationship with my husband. I know lots of people do the same thing...everyday. For me, this isn't my American Dream, it's prison.