May 12, 2011

Saving Grace: A personal note

::Found Here | Artist Darren Booth::
I am having trouble.  I feel at the end of my rope.  I feel hopeless, but embarrassed to feel that way since my life isn't full of personal tragedy. I am feeling monotony of life.  It is making me blase to all the wonderful things I used to notice/enjoy and it is officially scaring me. There are two saying that I keep hearing in my mind.  Two ideas that replay so often I have actually lost the meaning of them, but that doesn't stop them from continuing to replay.

1.  Be the best possible version of yourself.
2. Today is gone, not to be repeated tomorrow.

What is the best possible version of myself? I certainly know that who I am right now isn't that girl.  I feel lost inside myself.  The things that I was SO sure of, now don't seem to matter or drive me.  The only clarity I actually have is, looking at my current self and not recognizing a darn thing.  For my document purposes only (read: who the heck will read this) these are the things that are different.  I used to be confident, hilarious, + outgoing despite my obvious weight issue.  I used to love art, scrapbooking, sketching, drawing, and journaling, but I haven't been in my craft room for months. I used spend so much time laughing that I would get headaches, now my friends that made me laugh so hard are so far away and making news ones here is impossible. I knew without waiver that I wanted to be a graphic artist, but now I can't find the desire or energy to complete simple personal tasks.  I am worried that my lack of passion means I made another wrong decision.  I am worried that I can't find passion for anything.  I am passionless.  

Today is gone, not to be repeated tomorrow. This makes me so sad since I am NOT participating in this life and all these days are slipping by me.  The question I keep asking myself is, "What can I actually control?" I have to work to pay a mortgage, insurance, car, gas, etc.  I am living in a house that isn't what I wanted and working to support the mortgage of the house.  I am living in my dream area, but my location is uninspiring and frustrating.  I am working in a job (read: lucky to work I know) that has set me back at least 7 years in my career and set women in general back by 30+ years.  Working to support the things that aren't making me very happy. Seems like an easy thing to control, but it's not. 

I want to make changes.  I want to sell my things and move to another country.  I want to explore.  I want the desire to create back.  I want to feel passion for design. I want to put the sparkle back in my dull eyes.  I want to live in a smaller footprint that doesn't feel like a rope around my neck.  I want to be able to look back at my life and say that was one hell of an experience.  I am tired of living the "American Dream." Does owning a house, a yard, two cars, kate spade bags, a DSLR really get me happiness? I would answer that with a resounding no.  I want more out of life and less out of the real estate/possessions that are strangling me. I want to work at a job because I love it (read: I do LOVE working) and not because it supports my lifestyle. I am trapped by a lifestyle that doesn't actually have style at all.  It's a boring life filled with work-home-sleep-work-home-sleep...etc (read: see disclaimer below.)

So right now I am sad, lost, quite uncertain of my future and awaiting a sign from somewhere. My days turn to weeks, weeks to months and months to years. I feel that if I have chance at change it is going to start by looking for my own sign. Right now that's a daunting task that I just don't have the physical/emotional energy to do.

I am looking for a saving grace. 

Disclaimer: I know I have a great husband, an adorable dog, and family.  I know I am lucky to live in a house, have a job and health insurance. I also work tremendously hard to maintain those things.  I spend weekends cleaning, doing yard work, grocery shopping, maintaining my own car and doing laundry because my work schedule doesn't allow for lots of time during the week.  When I get home I am tired, but I still have to walk to dog, get dinner together, pack my lunch, do homework and try to have some type of relationship with my husband.  I know lots of people do the same thing...everyday. For me, this isn't my American Dream, it's prison.


  1. there are obviously some things you need to change. try to find a way to do the mundane stuff on the weekends for only a set amount of time, and then pack your husband and puppy and kate spade bag in the car and go have a picnic. doing something spontaneous might take the pressure off. :)
    i can see where you're coming from though. i hope you can find the solution that works for you!

  2. Hey lady! I'm sorry about what you are going through now, I think at some point in our lives, all of us ladies go through something similar. I remember a few years ago I was feeling this way too (my emptiness was from a horrible breakup). I was unhappy, passionless & just miserable. But I took a look around at my life & realized that I really didn't have it that bad, compared to others in this world that are far less fortunate than me.

    Getting out of my funk didn't happen overnight, but it eventually happened. I realized that I would rather live in happiness than to live in nothing. I decided that NOW was the time to start turning my life around. I moved to another state, I tried new things, I actively pursued things that I had always dreamed up, & over time, it actually worked!!! Sure there is feeling that you might fail, but you never know if you don't try. And how can you really fail if you're trying something that you've always wanted to do? Sometimes if you really want something, or really want to do something, you just have to do it! There really is no time like the present!

    I hope that life starts to look up for you soon :)

  3. Hey there,

    So sorry to hear you're feeling down. Not this makes you feel any better, but I feel that way a lot too. I am not a huge fan of being a lawyer, and don't have a lot of passion for the work that I do. My Mom always reminds me how driven I used to be in high school and college and asks what happened. Sometimes I wonder what happened to super-ambitious me, too.

    Sadly I don't have any insight. I visited a therapist a few years back to work through some issues I had dealing with my dad and thought it was helpful. Sometimes I think it's helpful to have a neutral sounding board because it's hard for friends/family to be objective. The one part I found challenging was finding someone I liked that was covered by my insurance, but I did think it was worth it. I have been thinking a lot about trying to go back again.

    Hang in there, you have tons of talent, but I agree that growing up definitely is not everything that I thought it would be even though I know that I am very, very blessed.

    Liz (as in rural electric youth tour Liz)

  4. Sweet, sweet Jeny. I've wanted to comment on this post for a few days now, but I was worried I wouldn't be able to find the right words. Then I ran across this quote by Jordan Ferney and it made me think of you:

    “Last year was shitty & this year, I live in Paris. So, if you’re having a hard time, cross your fingers for luck & put your head down & work.”

    I guess what I'd like to say (as someone who is older, if not wiser) is that it's okay to change your mind and say, "Hey. I thought this is what I wanted, but I was wrong." It doesn't mean you are not committed or passionate--it just means you are aware enough to know that what you're doing is not a good fit. If the "American Dream" is not the "Jeny Dream," that's okay. If I was in my 20s and could sell all my stuff and live an adventure for a while, I'd jump at the chance. What's holding you back? In the mean those friends who make you laugh loud and hard. Find things that do put the sparkle in your eye and make time for them. And go play in your craft area. (Gosh this is the longest comment I've ever left!) XO